leifmaplesson.com

Somewhere, a half-elf and a young woman with pinkish-blonde hair are playing UNO. ‘You’ll never guess what I’m holding, Wamy. I’ll give you a hint: it’s seventeen draw-four cards.’ ‘You’re only holding one card. I can see it.’ ‘That’s cuz that’s what I WANT you to see.’ ‘I’m not afraid of you.’ ‘Many have made…

“Hello. My name is Nene—I MEAN—Nini, and I am your new AI Companion! Thank you for choosing me. What is your name?” “Hello, Nini. My name is Lamy.” “Nice to meet you, Wamy.” “No, no. LAH-MEE.” “Understood. WAH-MEE.” “No, no. LAH-MEE. L-A-M-Y. Lamy.” “Understood! OPE-AI! O-P-P-A-I. Oppai.” “…” “Are you still there, Wamy Oppai?” “I…

Dr Hakui, CEO and sole employee of Konkoyo Pharmaceuticals, had her eyes glued to the old tube TV she had nestled among her aquamarine-filled test tubes. In approximately twenty seconds, the commercial she had filmed to advertise her new experimental pharmaceutical would air. She had paid fifty bucks for the block—a half-minute window on late-night…

It was slam poetry night down at Lui’s. The pub was packed with artistic types and people with an abnormally high tolerance for cringe. Under dull orange stage lights, the mic-stand stood like a mythical sword awaiting the would-be king that would wield it. As it turned out, not a king, but a self-styled Prince…

“Our sales quota is how much!?” Ao re-read the e-mail on her phone. “Two dozen boxes.” Kanade frowned. “And how many have we sold?” “We’ve sold a grand total of…” Ao tapped wildly on her calculator app and nodded as if everything added up. “Zero.” “Zero. You’re sure?” Ao showed Kanade the phone. A giant…

The day Kanata broke Lamy’s bottle of prize-winning winter blossom saké could not have been more ordinary. The trains ran on time; the birds chirped in the trees; the pink coyote was streaming Final Fantasy XIV; all was right with the world. If there was a bad sign spelled out in the stars that day,…

Two riders, caked in sugar-white dust from the road, smelling of campfire smoke and bad intentions, came galloping into town. From under their oil-slicked wide-brim hats, they eyed the townsfolk as though looking at cattle they had a mind to steal. ‘Reckon we can get you a gorilla-sized cigarillo in one of these sundries shops?’…

‘Can I get your name, Ma’am?’ ‘It’s Lamy. Yukihana Lamy.’ ‘Is that spelled with an “F” or a “V”?’ ‘What?’ ‘I’m asking the questions here, dammit! F or V!?’ ‘Uh, um, F?’ ‘Thank you for cooperating. Now, Ms… Um. Wait, what did you say your name was?’ ‘LAMY! L-A-M-Y!’ ‘Are you sure? I have here…

‘Oil change? Lady, this beast needs a whole new undercarriage.’ ‘Under-CARRIAGE? Does it look like I’m late to the Diamond Jubilee or something?’ ‘It looks like you’re late for death row. ‘Cuz, boy, you’re dressed to kill.’ ‘What?’ ‘All I’m saying is that you can execute me any day.’ ‘An attempt at humour?’ ‘No. That…

‘When you said “date”, this wasn’t what I had in mind.’ ‘What could be more romantic than smuggling twenty boxes of Mike and Ikes into the movie theater for me?’ ‘I dunno, a Civil War re-enactment, maybe.’ ‘Marine, darling, don’t be so sour.’ ‘I don’t see why you can’t smuggle your own Mike and Ikes…