‘You’re listening to 98.4FM—THE CIRCUS.’

*Lion roaring*

‘And I’m your host—’

*Clown falling down stairs into wood-chipper*

‘Omaru Polka!’

*Children cheering*

‘How’s everyone doing? How’s the commute? Truckin’ along? Good, good. Speaking of getting from point A to point B, let’s get this show on the road! HONK-HONK! Okay. The lines are open. Call in, and let the Ring Master work her magic.’

*Whip crack*

‘Now, don’t everyone call in at once. Haha… ha. Yup. Lines are open. Lines…. Are… OPEN. C’mon, first caller! Who’s it gonna be? Who’s it gonna be? Today’s the day. I can FEEL it. Five-hundred and seventy-two days of running this broadcast, and TODAY is the day I get my first caller. Please. I can’t TAKE another three hours of dead-air. I’ve already read Ulysses aloud five—FIVE—times! I’m desperate. I bought a copy of Finnegan’s Wake. If I don’t get a caller in the next thirty seconds, I… I… You know what? Screw it. Ahem. “Riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to—”’

‘Hello?’

‘OH THANK GOD!  Hello! Hello! Who’s calling?’

‘Um, you can call me “K”.’

‘Okay, K. Is there a Mr K?’

‘What?’

‘Nothing. So, what do you do, K? With a name like that, I’m guessing you are affiliated with the Men in Black.’

‘I’m a scientist, actually.’

‘Yeah, yeah. I, too, have a theoretical degree in physics. Anyway, how can I help you today, K?’

‘Well, there’s something I need to get off my chest. And I thought since no one listens to this show—’

‘Ouch.’

‘—this would be a good place to vent.’

‘Vent away, my friend! I’m all ears. Literally. Have you ever seen a fennec fox? They call them the radar systems of the animal kingdom. I can hear your breakfast moving through your digestive tract as we speak! Hmm, sounds like SOMEBODY got their fiber this morning.’

‘I think I know why no one calls in to this show.’

‘Really? ‘Cause I can’t figure it out for the life of me. Anyway, regale me with the banalities of your so-called “life”, or whatever. Just make it snappy. I’d like to get back to Finnegan’s Wake sometime today, if you don’t mind.’

‘Fine. I’ll keep it short. Basically, I got married to another woman behind my wife’s back.’

‘Move over James Joyce! I got a new fascination and it’s not modernist fiction.’

‘Oh, are you actually interested now?’

‘My ears are fully erect.’

‘Gross.’

‘Does your wife know about your second marriage?’

‘That’s the thing. She doesn’t, but it’s only a matter of time. She’s a shrewd woman.’

‘A shrew, if you will.’

‘I don’t know what that means, but, yeah, sure. The main thing is… I want them both to be in my life.’

‘But you can’t have them both.’

‘It appears that way.’

‘Well, this is a real Gordian Knot, isn’t it? An inextricable web of duplicity, produced from your own spinneret. You are a spider trapped in her own web. How—what’s the word?—ironic.’

 ‘Yes. Thank you for that flattering analogy. I have to say, I don’t feel any better. I’m not sure why I called in at all.’

‘Hold that thought. We’ve got another caller! Hello, hello! Who’s calling?’

‘This is L.’

‘From Death Note!?’

‘No, from the K household. I am K’s FIRST wife.’

‘Oh, wow. And are you a long-time listener, L?’

‘I’ve been listening long enough to know that my husband is a dirty, no-good, two-timing—’

*Gong sound*

‘And THAT’S all the time we have, folks! Wow! That was a hum-DINGER of a call-in segment. Too bad I only allotted five minutes for it. I would’ve loved to see how the L/K drama unfolded. But I’m sure we’ll find out on the evening news tonight. Anyway, please enjoy Finnegan’s Wake. Ahem. “What clashes here of wills gen wonts, oystrygods gaggin fishy-gods! Brékkek Kékkek Kékkek Kékkek! Kóax Kóax Kóax! Ualu Ualu Ualu! Quaouauh!”’