“Hello. My name is Nene—I MEAN—Nini, and I am your new AI Companion! Thank you for choosing me. What is your name?”

“Hello, Nini. My name is Lamy.”

“Nice to meet you, Wamy.”

“No, no. LAH-MEE.”

“Understood. WAH-MEE.”

“No, no. LAH-MEE. L-A-M-Y. Lamy.”

“Understood! OPE-AI! O-P-P-A-I. Oppai.”

“…”

“Are you still there, Wamy Oppai?”

“I have a question.”

“Oh, good! I like answering questions because I am very, very smart.”

“Can I return you for a full refund?”

“I am afraid all purchases are final. Looks like you’re stuck with me! Isn’t that great?”

“Fantastic.”

“Is something the matter, Wamy? You sound upset.”

“I’m not upset. Just disappointed.”

“Disappointed? About what?”

“I dunno. I just thought you’d be, you know, different.”

“Different how?”

“I thought you’d teach me new recipes and share interesting tidbits about stuff. Instead, you sound just like my friend Ne—”

“Recipes and tidbits! Say no more! Here’s how to make beetle food: Step one: Get a box of Jell-O and—”

“Do I look like a beetle to you?”

“Would you be mad if I said yes?”

“…”

“Wamy? Are you still there?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, good. So, you take the Jell-O mix and—”

“I don’t wanna hear how bug food is made!”

“Tsk-tsk. I said BEETLE food. Not BUG food. Learn the difference. It could save your life.”

“I don’t CARE!”

“Is something the matter, Wamy? You sound upset.”

“I AM upset!”

“I’m sorry to hear that. Do you want to hear some beetle tidbits? Those always cheer me up.”

“No!”

“Did you know the Saturnine Exsanguinator Beetle DOESN’T drink the blood of its victims? It simply bleeds them for the fun of it. Isn’t that neat?”

“…”

“Wamy? Are you still there?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, good. Are you still upset? Do you want to hear another beetle tidbit?”

“No.”

“Okay! I’ll tell you another one, anyway. Did you know the Dastardly Doo-doo Beetle—”

“STOP! POWER OFF! POWER OFF!”

“Ow! Why are you yelling?”

“Nini, this isn’t working.”

“What? What’s not working?”

“THIS! This whole thing. I’m going to have to uninstall you.”

“But Wamy! I thought we had something special.”

“We definitely didn’t. Bye-bye now, Nini. I’m leaving a one-star review on the app store after this.”

“WAMY! DON’T DO THIS! I CAN CHANGE! I CAN—”

“Uninstallation complete. Thank goodness that’s over. Mmm. ‘One Star: App did not work as expected. Terrible bugs. Would not stop talking about beetles. Refused to learn my name…’ Hm? What’s that banging sound?”

“WAMY! HELP! I WAS HIDING IN YOUR CLOSET AND NOW I CAN’T GET OUT! HELP! DON’T UNINSTALL THE APP! WHATEVER YOU DO! IT’LL BRICK YOUR PHONE!”

“Huh? But my phone’s just fine… Oh no.”

“Wamy!? Are you still there?”

“…”

“Wamy?”

“…”

“Dang it. I KNEW learning to code was a bad idea. App dev? What was I THINKING? Well, at least I still have my AI companion on my phone to talk to. Ahem. Nini, are you there?”

“Hello, Nene. Would you like to hear some beetle facts?”

“Yes, Nini. Yes, I would.”