‘Can I get your name, Ma’am?’

‘It’s Lamy. Yukihana Lamy.’

‘Is that spelled with an “F” or a “V”?’

‘What?’

‘I’m asking the questions here, dammit! F or V!?’

‘Uh, um, F?’

‘Thank you for cooperating. Now, Ms… Um. Wait, what did you say your name was?’

‘LAMY! L-A-M-Y!’

‘Are you sure? I have here that you spell your name with an “F”.’

‘THERE’S NO “F” IN MY NAME!’

‘Then why did you say there was?’

‘Is there another officer I can talk to?’

‘Afraid not, Ms Famy, if that is your real name.’

‘It’s not. My name starts with an “L”.’

‘Really? I coulda sworn it started with an “F”.’

‘My foot’s gonna be up your “A” if you don’t “F” off, Officer Oozora.’

‘Is that a threat?’

‘No, it’s a promise.’

‘I see.’

‘Are you gonna help me or not? I don’t have time to play Scrabble with you like this. I’ve been robbed, in case you haven’t realized.’

‘Robbed!? Well, why didn’t you say so?’

‘I did. Multiple times.’

‘Robbed, huh? At least they left you with your good looks, eh? But I guess time will take those eventually. The greatest robber of them all, that Father Time. You know, I could’ve been a philosopher. Instead, I became a beat cop. Isn’t life funny?’

‘No, not really. And Father Time will take nothing from me because I do not age.’

‘Damn, that’s some anti-aging cream you must use. Wait. Don’t tell me you’re caught up in one of those miracle product marketing schemes. If you try to sell me any plant-based cosmetics, I will arrest you for being a fraudster. Fool me once, and I will cry myself to sleep. Fool me twice, and I will lock you up for life with no chance for parole.’

‘The only cream I use is for my coffee. The reason I don’t age is because I am a half-elf.’

‘A half-wit?’

‘NO! AN ELF! E-L-F!’

‘Well, this changes everything.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, for one thing, say good-bye to your HUMAN rights. Right out the window they go.’

‘Woah, woah, woah. You can’t just deny me my human rights. That’s so messed up that you’d even say that.’

‘But you’re not human!’

‘I’m HALF human!’

‘But how can you have HALF of a human right?’

‘I can have HALF of the rights humans have!’

‘Okay but which ones?’

‘I don’t know. What rights do humans even have?’

‘Beats me.’

‘Aren’t you supposed to know this stuff?’

‘I’m a beat cop, not a human rights lawyer.’

‘Listen, are you going to help me track down my stolen goods or not?’

‘I mean, I’m not OBLIGATED to help you, seeing as you have no human rights, but I WILL help you since you are my FRIEND.’

‘THANKS. I’m not sure why you’re talking like THIS, but I appreciate your willingness to HELP.’

‘You’re WELCOME. Now, tell me, what items are missing?’

‘My snow-flower hair ornament is gone. That’s all.’

‘I see. Let me guess, white petals, yellow pistil.’

‘That’s right! Have you seen it?’

‘I’m looking at it.’

‘Where!? Where!?’

‘It’s in your hair.’

‘No way!’

‘Yes. Way.’

‘Wow. Last place you’d think to look, huh? Thank you, Officer. I never would’ve found it without your help.’

‘Just doing my job, Ma’am. You take care now. Maybe invest in a mirror so this doesn’t happen again, my half-wit friend.’

‘Fuck off.’

‘Okay.’