‘You have several hairline fractures, a subcutaneous hematoma in the shape of an L on your forehead, and a bad case of halitosis. I recommend bed rest and a breath mint. That’ll be four-hundred-thousand dollars.’

‘Four-hundred thousand!? All you did was take my pulse!’

‘You’re lucky you have a pulse after that little stunt of yours.’

‘I’d hardly call slipping in the shower and banging my head on the soap holder before I could brush my teeth a “stunt”.’

‘Call it whatever you want. The cost of treatment remains the same.’

‘But, Doc! I can’t afford that.’

‘Then I guess you shouldn’t go falling in the shower if you can’t afford it.’

‘I’m not paying.’

‘Ms. Takane. I have practiced medicine in a video game for several hours. My expertise and pedigree demand due remuneration. You knew this when you came to me for treatment. I will not accept lack of funds as an excuse to sully the time-honoured doctor-patient payment arrangement.’

‘Time-honoured? I’m familiar with the Hippocratic Oath and I don’t recall there being any fine print like that.’

‘The Hip-hop what?’

‘Ririka, are you a real doctor?’

‘Of course I am! Can’t you see my shiny white coat and dope periscope?’

‘You mean stethoscope?’

‘English, please. I don’t speak Greek.’

‘You’re a quack! You know less about medicine than an ostrich knows about flight.’

‘Yeah, well, you’re a goose!’

‘I’m not a goose! I’m a hawk!’

‘Hawk on these nuts, you honking hooter.’

‘Listen here, you insipid shoe-sniffing marmot. I’ve talked to house plants with more grey matter than you. The only world in which you are a doctor is the world in which “doctor” means “toilet brush”. Now, I’m going to get up and leave and I’m not going to pay a dime.’

‘And what if I stand in your way?’

‘I will go around you or through you.’

‘Strong words from someone who just admitted they talk to plants.’

‘Plants are good listeners, unlike you.’

‘They only listen because they have no mouth. If they did, I imagine they’d tell you to stuff it.’

‘Don’t put words in my plants’ mouths!’

‘Your plants told me they hate you!’

‘No! You’re lying!’

‘There are only two things I lie about: My age and being a doctor… Oops.’

‘Ah-HAH! I got the goods on you now, “Doctor” Ririka! Oh, the district attorney is gonna have a field day with this.’

‘Wait, Lui. Let’s talk about this.’

‘Talk? Are you one of my plants?’

‘No.’

‘Then there will be no talk of talk between us.’

‘Lui, please. I can’t go back to prison. I just got out!’

‘Got out? What were you in for?’

‘Double parking.’

‘I see. Tell you what: if you waive my medical fees, I’ll keep my silence. How’s that sound?’

‘It sounds like I have no choice.’

‘You’re a quick study. I take back what I said about you. You have slightly more grey matter than my house plants.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Ta-ta, Doc. Keep yourself out of trouble, will you?’

‘I’ll try. And you watch your back, Lui. I think we both know what happens to snitches.’