The Cringiest of Them All

‘Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the cringiest of them all? Oh, is that so? Did you hear that, Ao!? The mirror just called you cringe!’

‘I am not the one talking to inanimate objects, Lady Ririka. Cringe. Now, unless your self-obsession truly knows no bounds, may I make use of the mirror? I haven’t seen my reflection in five whole seconds and it’s giving me conniptions.’

‘Calm down. You look the same as you always have.’

‘That is to say, handsome, correct?’

‘That’s not the word I’d use, but sure.’

‘What word would you use, dare I ask?’

‘Mm, I dunno…Crusty, I guess?’

‘Crusty? You’re telling me I look… …crusty?’

‘Yeah, like you didn’t get enough sleep. Or you did your make-up wrong. Or you went on another champagne bender and passed out in a sewage ditch past the witching hour and woke up after being cursed with premature old age by a crone passing by in the night. You know… Crusty.’

‘I was not aware the word “crusty” was the greatest insult in the English language.’

‘It’s not. Being called “Ao” is.’

‘Lady Ririka.’

‘Yes?’

‘There is an ancient Buddhist Japanese proverb I once read about.’

‘You can read?’

‘Hotoke no kao mo sando, is the phrase. Do you know what it means?’

‘I haven’t the slightest clue what it means and even less interest in finding out.’

‘It means, “you mess with the Buddha, you get the horns”.’

‘Don’t you mean “bull”?’

‘Pardon?’

‘You know. Like, “You mess with the bull, you get the horns”.’

‘What do bulls have to do with anything I just said?’

‘What does the Buddha?’

‘The Buddha’s got the horns!’

‘I thought you said I’d get the horns!’

‘Only if you mess with him!’

‘But I’m not messing with anyone!’

‘You’re messing with ME!’

‘So?’

‘Lady Ririka.’

‘Yes?’

‘I have just about had it with your chicanery.’

‘Oh yeah? And what’re you gonna do about it?’

‘I demand satisfaction.’

‘Don’t we all?’

‘Don’t spout vagaries at me as though I were some hot-headed bovine that can be calmed down with the right word softly spoken and a scratch behind the ear.’

‘Whatever you say… Handsome.’

‘Lady Ririka, I am your servant. Use me, abuse me, do what you will with me. I live to please your ladyship and nothing more.’

‘You wish to please me?’

‘More than anything.’

‘Then you can please me by not being here.’

‘And where should I be instead, my Shining Star?’

‘I dunno. Try the pig pen.’

‘Yes, my Love. Or, should I say, oink-oink, my Sow.’

‘What did you just call me?’

‘Uhh. Oh! Look at the time. That mud isn’t gonna roll in itself. I had better be off.’

‘Yeah, you better.’

‘Too-de-loo! Or, should I say, too-de-oink.’

‘Get out.’


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